Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. Like any emotion, it conveys a message, telling you that a situation is upsetting, unjust, or threatening. We all know what anger is, and we have all felt it at some stage. Its intensity varies from mild irritation to intense fury and rage.1 But when that anger gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems in all facets of life – relationships, work, home, and it can affect the quality of your life.

Like other emotions, anger comes with physiological and biological changes – when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.

Anger can be caused by external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (a friend or your boss), or an event (a traffic jam, a cancelled concert), or because you are worrying about a personal problem. Memories of traumatic experiences can also trigger angry feelings.

Expressing anger

While it is healthy to express your emotions, anger becomes a problem when you express it in a way that harms yourself or others, and is much more likely to have a negative impact on the way people see you.

The most natural way to express anger is through aggression. Anger is a natural response to threats and often brings to the surface powerful feelings and behaviours. These allow us to defend ourselves if we are attacked or feel threatened. So, it becomes a matter of survival that we act in the face of such threats. But we cannot simply lash out (physically or verbally) at every person or thing that irritates us. Anger can only take us so far.

Ways in which angry feelings are dealt with

There are three main ways to deal with feelings of anger – expressing, suppressing, and calming.

Expressing anger

Expressing angry feelings in an assertive, not aggressive, manner is the healthiest to deal with anger. Being assertive does not mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others. Learn how to be clear about what your needs are and how to get them met without hurting anybody.

Suppressing anger

When anger is suppressed, it is often then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold your anger in, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to convert your anger into more constructive behaviour. However, if these emotions are not allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inwards, on yourself. This could cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unexpressed anger can create other problems too. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behaviour (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or developing a personality that seems always cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticising everything, and making cynical comments have not learned how to constructively express their anger. Their relationships tend to suffer as a result.

Calming anger

To calm down inside means to control your outward expression or behaviour, as well as your internal responses, to your angry feelings, taking steps to lower your heart rate and let the feelings subside. As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone—or something—is going to get hurt."

How anger management can help you

The true goal of anger management is to understand the message behind the emotion and learn to express it in a healthy way without losing control. This will help you not only to feel better, but you will be more likely to get your needs met, be better equipped to manage conflict in your life, and will no doubt strengthen your relationships.

Managing your anger takes work, but as with anything, the more you practice, the easier it will get. Here are some tips on how to identify, and deal with, your feelings of anger once they take hold.

Explore what’s behind your anger

Big arguments can often begin over something small, like packing something in the wrong spot. But there is usually a larger issue behind it. If you find your anger rising rapidly, ask yourself, “What am I really angry about?” Identifying the real source of frustration will help you communicate your anger better, take constructive action, and work towards a resolution.

What issues is your anger masking? It could be an array of things, such as:

• Embarrassment

• Insecurity

• Hurt

• Shame

• Vulnerability

• Anxiety – fight or flight response

• Behaviour learned as a child

• Underlying health problems, such as depression, trauma, or chronic illness.

Signs that there may be more to your anger:

• You have a hard time compromising or understanding other people’s opinions;
  

• Opinions different to yours are viewed as a personal challenge and you get angry when people disagree with you;
  

• You have trouble expressing emotions other than anger.

Be aware of your anger warning signs

The body gives off physical warning signs when your anger is increasing. If you become aware of your own personal gauge, you can take steps to manage your anger before it gets out of control. 

How does anger feel in your body? It could be a number of things, such as:

• Knots in your stomach

• Clenching your hands or jaw

• Feeling shaky

• Feeling flushed

• Breathing faster

• Headaches

• Pacing or needing to walk around

• Having trouble concentrating

• Pounding heart

• Feeling like a pot is boiling inside you

Identify your triggers

Understanding how stressful events affect you can help you take control of yourself. Analyse your routine and try to identify which activities, people, places or events trigger feelings of irritability or anger. Once you identify your triggers, you can either avoid them or learn to look at them differently.

Negative thought patterns can also trigger anger. These include:

• Overgeneralising - (“You NEVER consider my feelings”)
  

• Expecting a situation to go a certain way and getting angry when it does not play out the way you think it should have
  

• Acting like a mind reader and jumping to conclusions
  

• Looking for things to get angry about and overlooking the positive aspects of any given situation
  

• Blaming others if something goes wrong and feeling self-pity.

The temperature is rising! Learn to cool down quickly

Once you learn to recognise your anger warning signs, you can employ techniques that will help you to cool down.

• Focus on the physical sensations of anger – this is a type of meditation, becoming fully aware of how your body feels when you are angry. This will often lessen the intensity of those emotions.

• Breathe in, breathe out – deep slow breathing helps counteract rising tension. Focus on relaxation.

• Get moving – take a walk, dance to your favourite song, go for a swim, do some stretching, take a yoga class. Physical activity releases pent-up energy and will help you to focus.

Always take time to think about the situation. Is it really worth getting so angry about it? How important is it in the larger scheme of things?

Healthier ways to express your anger

If you think that the situation is worth getting angry about, then express your feelings in a healthy way.

• Be fair – if you are upset at someone, express your needs and feelings while respecting theirs.

• Prioritise the relationship – winning an argument should not come at the cost of breaking down the relationship.

• Don’t bring up the past – focus on the present situation and find ways to solve the current problem; do not bring up past grievances.

• Forgive – It is highly unlikely that you will resolve a conflict if you cannot forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish.

• Take a time out – If you feel that your anger is going to spiral out of control, remove yourself from the situation and try to calm yourself down using some of the techniques outlined above.

• Know when to let go – agree to disagree and move on. It takes two people to keep an argument going, so by walking away you are diffusing the situation.

Take care of yourself – this will keep you calm

Taking care of your mental and physical well-being can help keep you calm. There are many things you can do to manage stress, including relaxation techniques such as meditation; talk to someone you trust; get seven to nine hours of good quality sleep; exercise regularly for at least 30 minutes each session; beware of the amounts of alcohol, caffeine or drugs you consume.

Lighten up – humour can relieve tension

Humour can help you lighten the mood, smooth over differences, and keep things in perspective. It can allow you to get your point across without being aggressive or hurting anyone. Humour does not mean sarcasm; laugh with the other person, not at them.

It’s ok to admit you need help

If these anger management techniques have not helped you to control your anger, or have not stopped you from hurting yourself or others, then you can attend anger management classes or seek the help of a therapist.

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Our qualified psychologists can help you to explore the reasons behind your anger and identify your triggers. Select the therapist that is right for you.

1 Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specialises in the study of anger.