There is an abundance of material to read relating to the psychology of self-esteem but, for a topic that has risen to prominence only within the past 20 to 30 years, there remains much to be cleared up. Here are some things everyone should know about self-esteem (it may be helpful to read Understanding the six pillars of self-esteem first).
It can’t be “given” to you
Self-esteem is not something you are born with. Rather, it is learned and cultivated through our interactions with other people and our environment, and starts early on in life, in the home environment. If parents teach a child to be resourceful, independent, and to take responsibility for their actions, that child is likely to grow up trusting themselves, their instincts, and having greater self-awareness. So, while parents cannot instil self-esteem into a child, they can create a safe, encouraging environment that fosters healthy habits and socialisation within which self-esteem naturally develops.
Positive affirmations are not short cuts to higher self-esteem
As with anything in life, there is no miracle cure – if you want to achieve something, you have to put in the work. It is the same with self-esteem. Positive affirmations are really nice – they sound great, they spread positivity and it is a matter of simply repeating a statement over and over. But even with positive affirmations, you must truly believe in what you are repeating - it has to ring true to you. It can surely boost your confidence in a given moment or situation, but it is not a replacement for the work you need to put in to understand yourself and your actions.
True growth is achieved through work. The path to a stronger sense of self is a long, winding one – where we face up to our challenges, stand true to ourselves when in doubt, respect others and the environment around us, and live consciously, becoming truly aware of everything that we do, from our mundane tasks to our behaviour in different situations. Reaching this level of self-awareness is worth the effort that you put in.
It’s how you play the game that matters
Winning was once encouraged as the most favourable outcome of any challenge. This mode of thinking carries a great deal of pressure and is not a sure path to increased self-esteem. Appreciation and respect must be given to the effort that one puts into the challenge. Every child must learn how to win, as well as learn how to lose, with grace and respect. Parents who focus on the efforts of the child enable them to try over and over again without being afraid and, eventually, the child will get better at it. Two questions a parent can ask their child are:
Did you give it your best shot?
What could you do differently next time?
Focusing on the effort, will ensure the gain in the long run.
Be compassionate with yourself
Self-esteem does not remain static, it fluctuates. Some days you will feel as though you could do anything, while other days you may be filled with self-doubt. You may be very confident in certain areas of your life, like academically, but may not do well in sports. These are all normal. The important thing to remember is your intrinsic self-worth. We do not always need to perform exceedingly well – we are allowed to experience off days too. This does not mean that you have failed. Being kind to yourself offers many benefits, such as less anxiety, less stress, more emotional safety and allows you to flow with the tide instead of fight against it.
Maintaining your high self-esteem
Remembering how the six pillars contribute to your self-esteem, maintaining a high self-esteem is something you can contribute to daily. By making, and keeping, commitments in line with your values and what you consider to be important, it will help boost your confidence. They may not be easy tasks, and they may very well instil fear in you and make you feel nervous, but they will be worth doing.
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If you enjoyed this article, you might also be interested in Understanding the six pillars of self-esteem.
